is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
