last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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