My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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