Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
