i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
