remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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