Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
