somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
