There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
