Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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