There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
