I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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