Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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