So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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