Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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