The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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