Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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