My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
