3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I want to be your penis for a week.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
