toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
True strength comes from lack of pants
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
