So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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