Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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