theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
