Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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