I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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