Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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