i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
