i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
