oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
