I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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