It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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