My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
