Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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