The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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