I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
