THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
even my farts smell like vagina
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
