...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
