He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I am one with the molecules
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
