He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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