Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
