I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
