You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
