he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
