here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just found puke in my bra..
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
