Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
