just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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