3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wish you could order shots online.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
