sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
