just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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