I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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